Saturday, 10 November 2018

The Write Stuff with... Val Portelli

Today it's my pleasure to welcome author Val Portelli to the blog with her tongue-in-cheek training course on 'How to Market your Book'.

This is part of my ‘How to’ series for aspiring Indie authors. Coffee ready? Doors locked to keep out unwanted intruders? Then let us begin.

Did you find it difficult to scribble off 50,000 plus words? You ain’t seen nothing yet! This is where you actually have to get people to buy the darn thing.

Contrary to what you might believe, it’s not enough to upload your manuscript to Amazon, and then start browsing for luxury homes and cars.

Here are a few possible marketing options:

The ethical way.
Join Social media groups, become an active member, respond to posts.

DON’T mention your books. Links to mine are attached but if you are ethical you won’t look at them. Oh, go on then. Have a quick peek so you know what not to do.

Build up relationships with readers and book bloggers. Get to know them, their likes and dislikes, and don’t mention your books every time you post a comment. You will notice I haven’t mentioned the ones I have published, all available on Amazon.

Are you paying attention? I said ‘Don’t look now.’ (When I finish my presentation will be soon enough.)

Gradually build up a mailing list, but only of people who have expressed interest in you and your books. Always ask permission to add them, (which under new laws is now a legal requirement.) Have an easy ‘unsubscribe’ option. Obviously, I wouldn’t recommend having it buried so far in the Ts and Cs that no one can ever find it. (Be honest, have you ever read them through from start to finish?) 

Make the unsubscribe option bright and clear, and blame computer glitches when it doesn’t work.

Marketing is a long-winded process and you will lose some followers along the way. However, you can be certain that the six people left on your list (assuming next door’s cat counts as ‘people,’) will remain steadfast and true, even if Amazon doesn’t yet accept kitty-treats in payment.

The unethical way
There are people out there who will arrange for reviews, purchases and pseudo fans in exchange for payment. There are even unscrupulous companies who will provide publicity and post your links, in exchange for an exorbitant sum of money. Details of their names and contact numbers may be obtained direct from me, on payment of a suitable fee.

At this stage you should take a short break to obtain degrees in accountancy and IT.

First, set up accounts in 1,000 different names, purchase enough other stuff to meet the criteria, and then leave glowing reviews for your own book under false names. 

See my book, ‘How to beat the Amazon algorithms,’ which is listed on Amazon alongside my fiction books. (Obviously, not having looked, you won’t know that.) At this stage, and not before, set up a spreadsheet to compare income and expenditure and work out whether the end result will be profitable. This is where your accountancy degree comes in handy.

Most readers won’t even realise that your book has jumped overnight from being at 2,197,856th to number one. For the short time until you get black-listed you will have gained access to many new readers.

For more information and a complete list of unscrupulous people, you will need to buy my book, ‘Scams, trolls and how to be an overnight success.’ Available now for the knock down price of £160: E180:US$240:12,500 rubles. Payment to my Swiss bank account.

The easy way
If you are impatient, or poor, you’ll be delighted to know there is another way. All you need to be is drop-dead-gorgeous, born around the time of the new millennium, and totally lacking in integrity. Once you’ve found your multi-millionaire he will throw money into publicising your book and your reputation will be made.

What a shame I didn’t have the advantage of finding one before I tried the hard way.
Who knows? Perhaps by the time you’ve read this and bought all my books he might not even be necessary. 😉

Please note, a standard attendance fee is required before you leave. My IT degree enabled me to set up a system whereby this seminar will auto-play at five minute intervals until payment is received, preventing access to anything else.

See you soon for more exciting tutorials.

Val’s pen name ‘Voinks’ started as a joke then gradually spread through the family, so it was an obvious choice when her first book was published. Although unique it was not memorable, so her recent books are published under both names.

Despite receiving her first rejection letter aged nine from some lovely people at a well-known Women’s magazine, she continued writing intermittently until a freak accident left her housebound and going stir crazy. The rainbow saving her sanity was completing and having her first full length novel ‘Changes’ published. This was followed by a second traditionally published book before experimenting with self-publishing.

In between writing her longest novel to date at over 100,000 words, she publishes weekly stories for her Facebook author page and web site. She writes in various genres, although her short stories normally include her trademark twist of ‘Quirky.’

A planet with forty-eight-hour days would be useful to have time to write all the stories waiting to be told, and to become better acquainted with the bloggers who are so supportive of authors struggling to release their characters onto the world at large.

Reviews are always welcome as they help pay for food for the Unicorns she breeds in her spare time.

Blogs: or
Facebook: Voinks writer
Goodreads: Val Portelli

ABC Destiny- revised edition
Published 2018
Genre: Women’s fiction/Cosy Mystery/thriller/suspense.

Spirit of Technology
Published 2017
Genre: Paranormal/Ghosts/ Fantasy/contemporary romance.

Weird and Peculiar Tales
Published 2018.
Genres Fantasy/Anthologies and short stories/fairy tales 

Published 2014
Genre Romance
Paperback- Contact

Published 2018
Genre: Fantasy, flash fiction anthology. 
A contribution to an anthology of short stories by various authors

All Amazon UK book titles in bold are Affiliate links which will earn me a few pence if anyone clicks through and makes a purchase - any money earned will go towards buying books or gifts for giveaways.

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